I Don't Know

"I don't know."
Words you hear from your kids when asked "who left the muddy foot prints all over your newly steam cleaned carpets?"  Or "whose Sonic cup is blowing around in the front yard?"  Or "whose moldy McDonald's milkshake cup is that still sitting in the back of the minivan leaving a long hardened drip down the cup holder?" (We apparently have cup issues in our family)

"I don't know."
Words you hear from your second graders when asked, "whose dirty socks are these laying by our reading table?" Or "Where is your math paper that I just passed out 5 minutes ago - did you eat it!?!"

 "I don't know"
Words you expect to hear from your kids on a daily basis.

"I don't know"
Words you do NOT want to hear from your child's doctors.  On a consistent basis.  When Elisabeth was 10 days old we stepped on some sort of medical merry-go-round and we can't seem to get off.  At 10 days old is the day she started to cry non-stop.  She had reflux in her kidney's.  She had horrible acid reflux.  She had to wear an apnea monitor that would keep going off.  She had rigid muscle tone.  She had two stays at Arkansas Children's Hospital.  She had an MRI in which she coded and crashed twice during the sedation process and easily could have died.  She had PICA disorder. She has horrible reactions to her immunizations.  She has been to speech therapy, physical therapy and occupational therapy.  She has had genetic testing. She has seen almost every specialist there is. And every single thing has seemed to work itself out despite the doctor's saying "Something is not quite right, we just don't know what it is." But God has had his hand on her every step.  Every moment.  She has far exceeded our doctor's expectations of what "could have been." 

 But she has had so many fluky things pop up in her little body.  I swear we used to be "let's just wait it out and see"- or- "have some chicken noodle soup and go to bed, you'll be fine eventually" kind-of-parents.  As in, we never took our 3 older kids to the doctor. (Except for the time that our famous son at the poisonous flower on a dare and when he started hallucinating and his pupils were big black saucers-we couldn't get to the ER fast enough)  And lucky for them, minus a few athletic injuries and ear infections, they haven't needed it.  But things haven't been quite right with Elisabeth from the beginning, and having four kids, well, you just know ...
But all the little fluky things that maybe we could have waited out, but we chose not too - has led to alot of "I don't knows..." from our doctor, and from doctors at Children's hospital. (I'm like, you people are the experts - we are paying you a ton of money for that expertise. What do you mean you don't know?!?!)

She has been struggling with low iron/anemia for 10 long months.  We discovered it when I drug her into the doctor when she was on her paper/dryer sheet/ carpet eating binge.  (That actually started this blog.  My very first blog ever was "My sister ate my homework")  She has been taking the maximum dose of iron and vitamin C a child can have. But for whatever reason, her body cannot store it.  We have taken so many blood tests I have lost count.  Her iron and red blood cell count will go up and down.  We thought it was going up and we have been on a 3 month respite from worry.  And it was wonderful.  Until Wednesday. She had been sick for almost a week so the doctor wanted to run another round of blood tests.  We found our her iron store level was at a 9 - and level 75 is considered normal.  So its now time to go to a hematologist.  I want to be done with all of this.  I want a child to be AS healthy as she looks.  I want to know that she is okay.  I don't want to hear "I don't know what's causing her iron stores to be low"  I don't want to hear "I don't know what has been causing these rashes for the last 3 months."  I don't want to go through one more round of tests that we won't have a concrete answer for and a solution to fix it.

I was surprisingly calm and at peace when her doctor told me that is was time to see a hematologist.  She told me she did not think it was cancer.  But she had no idea of what it could be. I've had a few days now to think about it, google it, try to figure it out and I make myself crazy.  I was at the mall yesterday with my mom and I became very sad when I couldn't find an Easter dress for E, because when we tried a sleeveless dress on her, she just looked so pale and sickly and I was done.  I  told my mom to pick something out later and surprise me (but please make sure it had sleeves or a sweater :)  She was cranky and had another full body spotty rash.  (I'm half way starting to wonder if maybe she's allergic to the iron.)

I will never forget when we were in the thick of her health problems as a baby, I was in my bathroom and just pleading and praying with God "Please heal her"  then a few seconds later it was, "At least please show the doctor's what is wrong."  And God so plainly spoke to me "I just want you to trust me through each step of this, even if you don't know the answers."  I can still hear those words.

This blog has ended up reaching  alot of people I have never met.  I have no idea who may in a similar circumstance with your child. A nagging medical problem that doesn't seem to go away.  Testing.  Waiting.  All mamma's worry.  The not-knowing is worse than the knowing.  It is a hard lesson in "keeping your mind under the control of Christ." 

Amidst the "I don't know's" is one thing I do KNOW.  He is God.

"Be still, and KNOW that I am GOD" ~Psalm 46:10

be still and don't worry.

He is God.

rest. wait. be at peace.

He is God.

stay off google.

He is God.

he loves my babies more than I ever will

He is God.

I can trust in him

He is God.

....And someday down the road when I find a half eaten pudding cup smeared all over the back seat of the minivan, I don't think I'll have to ask who did that - I have a hunch that I'll already know.