To sum up our life in a nutshell from my last blog - we resigned our church we had been at for almost 12 years, my 46 year old husband had a 13 hour ablation heart surgery in another state, I quit teaching and we moved to a 600 acre ranch in the middle of the boondocks to help take care of 32 troubled teenage boys. It all happened fast, and we didn't have a lot of time to process it and have some healthy closure.
But now that the dust has settled after being here for over a month (like as in settled 10 inches thick on our van because we drive 4 miles on a gravel road to even get to our ranch), and the new-ness has worn off - I'm having these mini (okay, so a little bit bigger than mini) freak out break down moments that only my husband is being blessed with to see. (He is a lucky, lucky guy.) My whole life has completely turned upside down and the adjustment is hard and I'm just in this crying mode of "God, what is my purpose, what is YOUR purpose in all this?" I miss my church, I miss my friends, and I miss my house. I miss my old life and I am WHINING about all of it.
God has given us this beautiful ranch with this dream creek that we get to swim, kayak, and fish in every day. We have a completely new lifestyle that I am trying to whole-heartedly embrace (horse poop and all). God has placed us in this incredibly intense discipleship ministry with troubled youth. Chris is using every gift, talent, wise word he has in him. Like - he was MADE for this. I watch him in awe. And me? Well, I cook fajita's for 12 and I'm learning how to pick rocks and dried poop out of the bottom of a horse's foot without getting stepped on. I'm trying to comfort a teenage boy who misses his real mamma and help a determined 3 year old learn how to tie her shoe. (Why didn't I buy stinkin' Velcro?!?!) And I'm also being an Israelite who is wandering around the wilderness complaining about the manna - and wishing they could go back to Egypt instead of striving towards the promise land.
And for whatever dysfunctional reason going back to "being a mom" instead of "being a teacher" and "being a youth pastor's wife" is really hard for me. I feel super guilty about that. I LOVED teaching. I LOVED everything we did at the church and teaching my Sunday school class. I felt like teaching was my calling, like I was making a difference in so many little lives every day. Despite being flighty and a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of teacher, I was good at it. My classroom was my messy oasis. I had stayed at home 14 years with my other three and then started teaching when Jacob started kindergarten. Then I had our late-in-life surprise at 40 and she went to daycare. She had wonderful caregivers and I even lived through the absolute trauma of her calling them "mamma". I am THRILLED that I get to stay home with her these next two years and do all sorts of farmy-ranchy stuff with her. And maybe even get her to recognize a stinkin' letter. Who wouldn't love to parent this child 24/7 ?!?!?
In my emotional mess of a moment when I can't deal with change and I feel like my world is all off - kilter, I just need to have an hour long rant and cry. Then I pull up my Bible and look at this verse -again - it brings reason and peace when nothing else can.
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." ~Psalm 73:6
God is going to hold it all together for me when I can't. And when the storm passes and life falls back into a normal rhythm it's because -
"It is of the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because his compassion fails not. They are new every morning: great is his faithfulness." ~ Lamentations 3:22-23
"And we know that all things work together for good for them that are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
Every season, every change, every new stage of life he is beautifully orchestrating to accomplish his purpose.
I could give a shout - out hallelujah for that!
Seasons in life come and go and change. And sometimes the change can make a girl a little wacko if you know what I mean. I stay at home. I work. I have a baby at 40. I stay at home again. I take care of a preschooler, my own teenage son (who made being a stay at home mom 15 years ago an absolute breeze), my two college kids, a bunch of teenage boys, and a husband. (Oh - and when I am out on the ranch and find some escapee horses - those too.) Ya. My plate is full - of people. But no matter what season God has us in, our responsibility is just to do whatever He has for us to do - TODAY. No matter what "title" you may hold, it's the same for all of us. Obediently serve. And do it to the best of our ability. Without grumbling and complaining. (okay - so total fail in that area). I have to wake up each morning and say "God, whatever your will, your purpose, your plan is for me today - help me to accomplish it." And if that is just taking care of a crying kid with the compassion of Jesus, then hug away. Or folding a bajillion loads of laundry and doing it without complaining and wearing a smile. Make some great meal that will bless the socks off of whoever eats it - Rock God's calling on you for today. And be proud of that. Let that be enough to fill you and make you feel like you have the greatest career on earth.
Last night my 3 year old is still up at midnight (again - total fail in the bedtime thing). She tells me she is hungry and needs a snack. We walk to the fridge (now after midnight) and I tell her she has to have something healthy. She points to the whip cream and tells me in her hilarious 3 year old voice, "All you have to do is pick it up, shake it, and then squirt it in my mouth and that will be my snack." So I say as I grab the can, "Open up. - forget healthy, this is quick and easy." I squirt a bunch in her mouth and we were finally off to bed.
Now that I'm actually getting paid to parent, and it's this high calling in my life right now and the only thing I am really responsible for - I'm so gonna need to brush up on those full time parenting skills. Like healthy bedtime snacks. That actually get served before a NORMAL BEDTIME. Even though most of you would agree that whip cream is a pretty darn good bedtime snack. And fast and easy almost always trumps healthy - at least with a 3 year old around midnight. If only getting through a tough season could be just as fast. And easy.
