When Your Child IS the Bully

Recently Elisabeth was around a small group of kids acting like her crazy little self.  I overheard someone jokingly say, "We all KNOW that Elisabeth IS the bully!" Even though we all had a good laugh and I readily agreed, the words still stung.

Elisabeth has been a bully.  And let me tell you, since I have been a teacher I have heard the word "bully" used only about a thousand times a week. I have had kids report bullying to me and its because someone didn't give them their pencil back or "made a mean face" at them.  And then I have had some heart-breaking, how-can-a-seven-year-old-even-think-or-say-those-things kind of situations that made me kick in full teacher mode and  had me practically running to the counselor's/principal's office.  But what do you do when it's your OWN child? And they really ARE a bully?

I will never forget when I took Elisabeth to the mall playland for the very first time.  And she BIT a child in the FACE. Seriously. Like I died on the spot.  The precious little Hispanic girl had no idea, (God forbid)  that standing on the same ladybug as the white child with flaming red hair could possibly leave her face permanently scarred for life! I was grabbing E, comforting the bit child, and trying to communicate with her parents THAT COULD NOT SPEAK ENGLISH. Could the situation even get any more embarrassing!?!?! I'm trying to profusely apologize and offer them anything - can I buy you dinner? Can I sign over my paycheck? Do you need you need a kidney?  They were very kind (or scared of me too) and just smiled and nodded and went their way.  I quickly put E is the stroller, let her know we were leaving because she was being mean and stayed away from the playland for another 6 months.

Attempt at playland #2.  Chick-fil-a.  Same story, different child.  I am inwardly thinking I am going to wake up one night with playland parents standing over me in my bed with weapons in their hands.

Wait several more months and try again. Yay! Success. No one knows how I floated out of the playland on cloud nine because my child actually played and did not bite, tackle, yank on clothes or pull hair of another child.  I was thinking we were out of the woods. Until....

A couple months ago I take her to Bell Park.  For some reason we were the only two at home so I decide to make a special night of it.  We were going to have a "pizza picnic".  I stop and get pizza and she starts clapping in the back seat and chanting "mommy day! mommy day!" and my heart is melting and we are having this totally mushy gushy lovey moment and my heart is wanting to bust open with joy. We are eating, playing, having fun.

 

But you see all this preciousness and cuteness and fun we were having at the park?!?! That promptly ended when the wedding let out. And about 50,000 kids start running towards the play equipment.  (The park is known for it's weddings.)  Our first disaster is when she spots this other two year old little girl.  And wouldn't you know she was Hispanic. (And I am sooooooo lucky they are so nice.) E and her new friend look like they are playing nice and I am looking at my phone  distracted for a brief second and I hear all this screaming and crying and I jump up to see E has this cute little dressed up girl in a CHOKE HOLD! E is holding her tight and saying "My baby! My baby!" and this child's brother and sister are trying to pry E's arm off her and they are saying in their broken English with their eyes as big as saucers "NO! MY BABY! MY BABY" I'm like, OhMyWordJesusHelpMe.  Once again, I met a different set of parents, and all kids were separated and the "baby" was returned to her parents safe and sound and thank-you-Jesus with no bite marks.  I am trying to gather up our stuff and E walks past this boy who is about 9 and just punches him flat out in the stomach.  For no reason.  And let me tell you our lovey, dovey, mushy, gushy moment was SO over for the night. I walked away again discouraged. Walked away kind of freaking out. Kind of praying. Kind of fretting that my child was going to be friendless for the rest of her life. 

 

But let me tell you. It's like the light bulb came on. It's like Elisabeth has figured out she will never see another park again if she couldn't figure out how to get along with others. And we have had several months of good reports in Sunday school. Positive play times at the park.  And we have played on ALL the toys at the mall and McDonalds with no incidents. (Except the McDonald's old lady sock police who got us because she was barefoot on the slide.)  I'm not saying she is never going to bite again, or hit.  I'm just saying I know we have turned a MAJOR CORNER.

 

I really don't like airing out my child's dirty laundry on a blog. But I want to encourage the parents with a child like mine. And encourage those good parents out there that get that dreaded call from the teacher or principal, "Your child has been a bully today..."  And inform parents who watch aggressive children with horror and judgment in their eyes that trust me,

 

~ We watch with as much horror as you do when we see our child hurt another

 

~ We ARE disciplining, worrying, praying, doing everything we can to the best of our ability and knowledge and sometimes they STILL act that way.

 

~Sometimes there is other stuff going on behind-the-scenes...environmentally or medically

 

~We are really sorry, and I mean from the bottom of our hearts sorry, that your child has been hurt by ours.

 

And mamma's -  there is ALWAYS HOPE

 

~ Your child could outgrow it

~ Your discipline will work

~the environment could change

~the doctors will help

~Jesus will change their heart

~Your prayers are being heard. Every single word of them.

 

This is why God gave parents the ability to love unconditionally. You love your child when no one else does. You love that child through their ugliest, most painful moments.  Because God gave that child to you and no one else.  And that is exactly how God loves us. Through our worst sinful times Jesus was still there arms open wide, taking us back, forgiving us.  No one is un-redeemable. Everyone can change. Whether it is a two year old, a teenager or those twenty-somethings.  So be encouraged my dear friend in the trenches of parenting.

 

And back to my sweet little E.  She's had a rough go from the start.  I can't even begin to tell you what she has overcame, the therapies she has worked hard at (and can I just excitedly say, has tested out of all of them!), the early diagnosis' from doctors that she has proved wrong. I am so excited for her three year old check up to say, "Look! Look what Jesus did! Look how great she is doing!!!"  She is now a happy, healthy, almost 3 year old - who can give lots of love, bring more joy to a family than ever thought possible, and can still give her older brothers a punch or two - but only when they deserve it.