When the Going Gets Tough....Moms Cry.

My dad used to have this saying "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." It was a nice way of saying - "Life is hard. Suck it up buttercup and move forward." (The whole "suck-it-up-buttercup" is a quote I heard from my friend who is also a PASTOR'S WIFE - love her!)

And you know, we can do that.  Adults can do that. We are in the slowwwww process of moving forward with our ministry and our life.  Just when I think we are making headway, I see some picture on facebook of a totally cool elementary classroom that I am no longer teaching in or have a late night conversation with a friend or get 3 TEXTS IN A ROW FROM DIFFERENT PEOPLE IN MY CHURCH FAMILY BACK HOME. ON A SUNDAY. BECAUSE SUNDAY'S ARE STILL HARD ON A LOT OF US. (Umm...I think I just might be in the anger stage of grief - I just noticed I just typed that sentence in all caps.)  And I start another round of crying. Another round of questioning what God is doing in all this. Why did he move us?  Hand my bitterness over to the Lord - again.  My husband hugs me for the billionth time until the storm passes. And I know the storm WILL pass - it's gonna end up okay. We will look back a year from now and see how God's hand was in it all and we are exactly where we are supposed to be.

It's okay if life is tough for me. BUT I DON'T WANT IT TO BE TOUGH ON MY KIDS. I would take all their pain away and put it on myself if I could. I tear up just thinking about some situations my kids are facing and I want to yank them out of bed and  hug them and kiss them and fix them a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (because food fixes most things in our family).  Then scratch their backs until they fall asleep. 

I cannot shield them from a hard life. From mean people.  And OHMYGOSH KIDS ARE SO MEAAAAANNNN!!!!! (Notice my all caps - that is mamma bear anger seeping out on that one. Just thinking about mean girl stuff my daughter went through in high school still makes me want to show up in their high school life and yank their hair and tag them in nasty quotes on FB  and give them a what-for. Because being that mature mom is so my thing.)

I cannot orchestrate their popularity.
I cannot protect their heart.
I cannot put them on a key starting position of their favorite sport.
I cannot find them the perfect job.
I cannot shield them from the ugly that goes on in ministry.
I cannot guarantee that their bodies will always be healthy and whole.
I cannot make their relationships better.
I cannot take away their pain and it's killing me.

After a recent difficult evening of watching one of my kids really having a tough time and crying out to the Lord on their behalf, the Lord gently but so loudly spoke to me. He reminded me that ALL of scripture is for them also.  How God works at refining us in our adult life, he can refine them in their childhood also. That when he says ALL things work together for our good - he's working it out for their good too!

He is using the difficult circumstances in their life to draw our kids closer to himself.

Jesus says,  "Consider it pure joy, my brothers when you face trials of MANY KINDS, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so you can be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4)

What are some trials kids may go through?

* Moving - it mostly sucks for everyone. It takes time to adjust.  And when you are in the adjusting phase, time.moves.very.slow.

* Sitting on the bench.  Game after game. When they are in little league you are just sitting there thinking "what the heck man?!?!?! let them play!!! Who cares if they lick the dirt! This is not the Super Bowl!" You have your 2 or 3 superstars and the sport's life is a blast for them and the rest of kids/parents just get to sit and watch and try not to be envious of all the hoopla showered on them.  (And trust me, it's not any easier once they start school sports.)

*Birthday parties/sleep overs etc that somehow your kid was skipped over during the invites. There is nothing like scrolling through Facebook and seeing some big party that your kid was obviously not invited too.   Worse though? They see those pics also.  There are no words of comfort here. Nothing like sitting alone on a Friday night while all your friends are partying the night away at the mall or in front of the Xbox with each other except you. And making sure Instagram had an hourly update of selfies at their particular partying place of choice.   (A little advice: Most of the time I consciously make an effort not to post pics of events on social media when we couldn't invite everyone. Trying to be sensitive to the whole "kid left out" thing. )

*Mean kids in general.  Teenage life in general.  How teenagers survive I do not know.  You couldn't pay me a million bucks to go back and relive them. If mean people don't make your teenager's life miserable their hormones will. And lucky you - Who gets to ride THAT crap train with them?

*Health problems.  There is not a parent in this world that wouldn't take your child's ailment upon themselves. Except maybe pimples.  That's when we say - "we've already did our time with pimples, now it's your turn so suck-it-up-buttercup."

*Divorce/serious family conflict. Oh gosh, isn't it the absolute worst when kids suffer from our decisions? No box of bandaids will fix that one.  You will need extra counseling sessions with Jesus to make some heart progress in this area.

You have to step back and let God do his thing in your kid's life.  And if you swoop in to ease every pain, every heart ache, intervene in every conflict - you are taking away circumstances that will allow them to develop their relationship with the Lord. I think it's one of the hardest things parents have to do.

But all you heart broken mamma's please rest in this and say this verse out loud with your child's name at the place where is says *YOUR CHILD* (not rocket science here).

 "Fear not, for I have redeemed *YOUR CHILD*
I have summoned *YOUR CHILD* by name - THEY are mine.  When *YOUR CHILD* passes through the waters, I will be with *YOUR CHILD*, And when *YOUR CHILD* pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over *YOUR CHILD*! When *YOUR CHILD* walks through the fire *YOUR CHILD* will not be burned. The flames will not set *YOUR CHILD* ablaze! For I am *YOUR CHILD'S* Lord and God! The Holy One of Israel, *YOUR CHILD's* Savior!!!!" Isaiah 43:1-3

Jesus is with your child in this tough time. They WILL survive this.  That incredible love we feel for them? He loves them (and us) even more than that. He is carrying them close.  He is allowing things to happen in their life that they can use later on down the road for His glory.  Don't rob them of that.

I love this picture Jesus paints out for us in Isaiah 40:11

"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs (*YOUR CHILD*) in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."

Not only is Jesus holding your kid close to his heart,   he is carrying them through whatever trial they have ANNNNDDDD he is leading us as we take care of their tender hearts.

Isn't His love for all of us amazing?  Don't grow weary of praying like crazy for your kids.  And I truly feel for you all that are crying real tears into your pillows over the heart ache of your kids are facing.  My heart aches for you.  I want to hug you. And fix you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. But I will probably draw the line at scratching your back because that could get creepy weird. 

Much love to you!!! Amy xxoo   p.s. "My Twenty Fake Children" part 2 is coming soon. I have to throw in a few heavy blogs to balance out the funnies.  Or you would think I am the biggest flake alive.

My heart that is walking around. 

 And finally after 18 years learning how to manage a pose for a  decent family picture. 

 

(Almost)

 

And only if life could just be THIS free  - for all of us.

My Twenty Fake Children (Part 1)

There is "playing with dolls" and then there is the flipping- into- some- kind- of- alternate- reality playing with dolls that my daughter Elisabeth is famous for.  Its like God just wanted to keep this whole late in life baby thing going. Because parenting a 4 year old at 44 is just not quite funny enough.  He needs to add 1-5 pretend babies at any given time to ramp up the humor.

It all started last Christmas with "Big Baby". If you were part of my life when "Big Baby" was around you know its this doll my mom got for E at Christmas that pretty much looks like a real live 3 month old.  And when God forbid it fell out of the grocery cart or I set it down on the ground in a store to be able to reach something - the  3 or 4 elderly people around me would have mini-strokes and run over to me to help and then feel stupid when I just look at them and say "Thank you, It's just a doll. I do have brains enough not to balance a real infant on the handle of the grocery cart or lay it down on a concrete floor. But bless your heart for being so concerned anyway." (I really wasn't out loud snarky to the kind old people.  I just thought it.)

 

Big Baby enjoying the St. Patty's Party before she fell out of the chair and 13 people rushed over to grab her and 911 was called.

Big Baby took on a life of it's own and gave me many Facebook funnies to post about.  Probably the most vivid memory of "Big Baby" was when we were in the McDonald's drive-thru and E insisted I order Big Baby a sausage biscuit. The conversation with the McDonald's lady went like this:

ME: I need three sausage biscuits please. The ones off the dollar menu.  The $1 ones. (Yes. We are the "you each get to pick 3 things each off the value menu" family.)

E: Big Baby needs a sausage biscuit!!!!

ME: I am NOT buying Big Baby her own sausage biscuit!!!

McDonald's Lady: So that is 4 sausage biscuits?  (I am not even kidding)

ME: NO!!, just 3 biscuits.

E:  (Crying loudly) Big Baby wants a sausage biscuit. PEEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEE.....

(The McDonald's lady is hearing all of this)

McDonald's lady: Mam, is that still 3 sausage biscuits? (I am holding up the line at rush hour breakfast.)

Me: YES!!!! (Oh my worrrrddddd...., I cannot cave and buy a fake kid a $1 biscuit!)

So we get our bag of biscuits and I pass them out.  We drive down the road  and I turn around and ask Elisabeth "So, did you eat your biscuit" and she says in this small, pathetic voice "Big baby ate it..."

OHMIGOSH!!!! She was not going to back down from this.  And let me just tell you this whole "feed my baby real food" role playing just kept up. Big Baby got her own plate of food each meal. And then the other dolls followed.  Whoever was the lucky one she decided to love on that day was the winner of a hot plate of food.   One time I apparently was not "mushing up the food" like I needed to and E let me know about it. She had to demonstrate to me how to mush up the macaroni and cheese.  I'm like, "you are my fourth child I have raised and no one has choked yet!!! And that was even letting you eat Cheetos before your first birthday!"

Once Big Baby and the other dolls took on a life of their own (literally) - the other toys seemed to come to life and needed real food too. Like a stuffed cat. This cat came to life when my mom was putting her cat feeder, cat food and litter box in a garage sale and E was totally crying real tears saying we needed to take it home because we have a "real kitty" and it's hungry, blah, blah, blah.  I gave in (because that is the easiest) and took all the stuff home and then found out she had been talking about her stuffed cat. My life has started to resemble some really bazaar kind of movie.

Real Kitty enjoying real cat food and then will go and poop in the litter box. I did put my foot down at putting  cat litter in the box. Proud of me?

 

This baby apparently made it back from war alive so she's enjoying a plate of chicken.

 

I DID NOT order this doll her own fries.  E somehow got lucky and got 2 sets of fries in her Happy Meal and she was sweet and gave this baby one.

I'm sure people wonder (ya know, the perfect parents) why I don't just tell her no.  Because #1 I am flipping 44 years old raising a preschooler that is off the charts creative and unique and setting limits and engaging in battle with her takes every ounce of mental/physical strength that I barely have. It's called KEEPING THE PEACE. So there.  #2  She is so darn cute who could ever crush that spirit? #3 This is how she plays and what she plays 80% of the time - take that away, and oh Lord, what will she find to replace it?

God is so lovingly awesome to create each of us with our own uniqueness, quirks, talents, and outrageous personalities. The world would be so boring if everyone was the same. You have the "strong-willed child" who is lucky to make it past age 10. You have those dream children who sleep through the night at 2 minutes old and pick up their own toys when they learn to crawl. Every kid is different and because of that, we can't all parent the same. To each his own. All our kids have their own set of challenges, and their own moments of being totally the most awesome thing ever. I know my role is to keep encouraging them to be everything God created them to be. He created them that way to be a part of his big plan for the world.

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." - Ephesians 2:10

"The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life." Job 33:4

 Yep. God breathed a double dose of life into this child.

 Embrace their uniqueness.  Don't push them to be something they are not.  Nurture. Set Limits. Discipline...And since that is not my strong area I will wrap this blog up and say that is why God gave me Chris - a.k.a. super parent. He is why our kids are not in jail.  He tells them no. (Although he has totally just bought real diapers for one of her babies at Walmart.)

And just when I thought things couldn't get any more extreme with the alternate reality doll playing,  Elisabeth gets a pooping and peeing "Baby Alive" that talks.  In two different languages.

To be continued.....

The Midnight Snack

I am now a professional mom. I thought I would have time to blog and paint my toenails.  But neither one has happened in the last 6 weeks.  I finally threw my toes up on the side the tub and dug some nail polish out of the bottom of the drawer and painted them yesterday. So now that I have THAT major hurdle out of the way (my feet were too embarrassing to actually get a pedicure) I found some spare seconds to blog.  Because its therapeutic for me. I need therapeutic right now. And a diet coke.  And maybe meds.  Just kidding.

 To sum up our life in a nutshell from my last blog - we resigned our church we had been at for almost 12 years, my 46 year old husband had a 13 hour ablation heart surgery in another state, I quit teaching and we moved to a 600 acre ranch in the middle of the boondocks to help take care of 32 troubled teenage boys.  It all happened fast, and we didn't have a lot of time to process it and have some healthy closure.

But now that the dust has settled after being here for over a month (like as in settled 10 inches thick on our van because we drive 4 miles on a gravel road to even get to our ranch), and the new-ness has worn off - I'm having these mini (okay, so a little bit bigger than mini) freak out break down moments that only my husband is being blessed with to see. (He is a lucky, lucky guy.)  My whole life has completely turned upside down and the adjustment is hard and I'm just in this crying mode of  "God, what is my purpose, what is YOUR purpose in all this?"  I miss my church, I miss my friends, and I miss my house. I miss my old life and I am WHINING about all of it.

God has given us this beautiful ranch with this dream creek that we get to swim, kayak, and fish in every day.  We have a completely new lifestyle that I am trying to whole-heartedly embrace (horse poop and all). God has placed us in this incredibly intense discipleship ministry with troubled youth. Chris is using every gift, talent, wise word he has in him.  Like - he was MADE for this. I watch him in awe. And me? Well, I cook fajita's for 12 and I'm learning how to pick rocks and dried poop out of the bottom of a horse's foot without getting stepped on. I'm trying to comfort a teenage boy who misses his real mamma and help a determined 3 year old learn how to tie her shoe. (Why didn't I buy stinkin' Velcro?!?!)  And I'm also being an Israelite who is wandering around the wilderness complaining about the manna - and wishing they could go back to Egypt instead of striving towards the promise land.

And for whatever dysfunctional reason going back to "being a mom" instead of "being a teacher" and "being a youth pastor's wife"  is really hard for me. I feel super guilty about that. I LOVED teaching. I LOVED everything we did at the church and teaching my Sunday school class.  I felt like teaching was my calling, like I was making a difference in so many little lives every day.  Despite being flighty and a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of teacher, I was good at it. My classroom was my messy oasis.  I had stayed at home 14 years with my other three and then started teaching when Jacob started kindergarten.  Then I had our late-in-life surprise at 40 and she went to daycare. She had wonderful caregivers and I even lived through the absolute trauma of her calling them "mamma". I am THRILLED that I get to stay home with her these next two years and do all sorts of farmy-ranchy stuff with her. And maybe even get her to recognize a stinkin' letter. Who wouldn't love to parent this child 24/7 ?!?!? 

                                         

So why am I now having all these mixed emotions now that the school year is rolling around? Why do I sit in my new church with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes because I am not in my usual row with all our old youth group kids in front of us?  Why is being  "just a mom" feeling like it might not be enough to make me feel like what I do in life matters? I should feel like I'm the luckiest thing alive because I have awesome kids that I love to be around. So my only answer to living with the crazies is because I'm a girl. That's why.  And girls get emotional, and IRRATIONAL (who, us?!?!?!) , and have freak out moments on a regular basis. And it is so easy to get our identity wrapped up in WHAT WE DO instead of WHO WE ARE.  It's how God made us and I have no idea why.

 In my emotional mess of a moment when I can't deal with change and I feel like my world is all off -  kilter,  I just need to have an hour long rant and cry. Then I pull up my Bible and look at this verse -again - it brings  reason and peace when nothing else can.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." ~Psalm 73:6

God is going to hold it all together for me when I can't.   And when the storm passes and life falls back into a normal rhythm it's because -

"It is of the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because his compassion fails not. They are new every morning: great is his faithfulness." ~ Lamentations 3:22-23

"And we know that all things work together for good for them that are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Every season, every change, every new stage of life he is beautifully orchestrating to accomplish his purpose.

I could give a shout - out hallelujah for that!

Seasons in life come and go and change.  And sometimes the change can make a girl a little wacko if you know what I mean.  I stay at home. I work. I have a baby at 40. I stay at home again.  I take care of a preschooler, my own teenage son (who made being a stay at home mom 15 years ago an absolute breeze), my two college kids,  a bunch of teenage boys, and a husband. (Oh - and when I am out on the ranch and find some escapee horses - those too.) Ya. My plate is full -  of people. But  no matter what season God has us in, our responsibility is just to do whatever He has for us to do - TODAY. No matter what "title" you may hold, it's the same for all of us. Obediently serve. And do it to the best of our ability. Without grumbling and complaining. (okay - so total fail in that area). I have to wake up each morning and say "God, whatever your will, your purpose, your plan is for me today - help me to accomplish it." And if that is just taking care of a crying kid with the compassion of Jesus, then hug away. Or folding a bajillion loads of laundry and doing it without complaining and wearing a smile. Make some great meal that will bless the socks off of whoever eats it - Rock God's calling on you for today. And be proud of that. Let that be enough to fill you and make you feel like you have the greatest career on earth.

 Last night my 3 year old is still up at midnight (again - total fail in the bedtime thing). She tells me she is hungry and needs a snack.  We walk to the fridge (now after midnight) and I tell her she has to have something healthy.  She points to the whip cream and tells me in her hilarious 3 year old voice,   "All you have to do is pick it up, shake it, and then squirt it in my mouth and that will be my snack." So I say as I grab the can, "Open up. - forget healthy, this is quick and easy." I squirt a bunch in her mouth and we were finally off to bed.

Now that I'm actually getting paid to parent, and it's this high calling in my life right now and the only thing I am really responsible for - I'm so gonna need to brush up on those full time parenting skills. Like healthy bedtime snacks. That actually get served before a NORMAL BEDTIME.  Even though most of you would agree that whip cream is a pretty darn good bedtime snack. And fast and easy almost always trumps healthy - at least with a 3 year old around midnight.  If only getting through a tough season  could be just as fast. And easy.   

 

Life Jackets, Bare Feet and Drinks Allowed

Y'all.  I can never catch a break when it comes to Sunday attire with this child.  Never.  Never ever.  As in NEVERRRRRRR.....  We went through  at least 6 months of arguments about not wearing her Halloween costume/various princess dresses to church every Sunday. EVERY single Sunday morning we had tears, we had hiding underneath the dining room table, the child wore me down. I compromised with making the rules that Sunday morning - she is wearing a NORMAL church dress, and Sunday night and Wednesday night I could care less - princess costume, crown, bubble machine - you name it, I don't care. Let's just get to church halfway on time with our salvation still in tact for Pete's sake.

We are between ministries and have recently left the church that we have known and loved for the last 11 years.  They have loved my kids.  They KNOW how Elisabeth is.  I have really struggled going to new churches because what if they didn't "get" our E?

Well this past Sunday Elisabeth pulled a new stunt on me. We were at my dad's and visiting a new church. I thought I had won the dress battle because she was more than excited to wear the "Frozen" dress with the attached tutu. Then right before we were ready to go she brings in this bathing suit/life jacket and says "Me wear life jacket to church."  ME: "NO you are not"  Elisabeth: "YES ME IS!"
She cries and runs out of the room.  We are loading in the car and she comes around the corner with that DARN LIFE JACKET ON!!!!  Note the tears that followed.  She did not win this battle.

 

My dad told us we needed to leave early for church so we could be sure and get a seat.  Get a seat? In a small, rural country church? Apparently yes.  And it took me less than 5 minutes to see why.  I have honestly have never been to a service like it. We drive up to a small white precious church in the middle of the woods.  There is a man in the parking lot warmly greeting us - and he was wearing pajama pants.  I find a seat and sit down next to a special needs girl wearing a helmet.  Her name was Elizabeth. (Instant connection and conversation there!) Next to her was another special needs teenager with the mind of a four year old.  We had quite the animated conversation about Scooby Doo and if I wanted to wear a Wolverine costume for Halloween. (Again, instant connection. lol) Next to this girl was a mom in a wheel chair. Poor people, middle class families, drug addicts, preachers-in-training,  young and old filled the seats.  There were kids barefooted.  There were ADULTS barefooted. I saw fresh drinks in the stained glass window sills and food in the chairs. There was hugging and huge toothy smiles. And hardly an empty seat. My dad said "Elisabeth would have fit right in with her life jacket on!" And I think he is right.  No one would have noticed.   Then the worship started.  A NO-HOLDING-BACK kind of worship.  Standing with arms stretched to the heavens kind of worship.  Tears flowing. No big flashy band - just a worship leader.  People started coming to the alter to pray BEFORE the message even started. 

 

 And you guys - THIS WAS A SOUTHERN BAPTIST CHURCH.  But these people were desperate for Jesus. And Jesus was there. The Holy Spirit was moving.  Sometimes when we go to the same church for a really long time and all of us are pretty much the same and life is somewhat okay for everybody we forget what desperate looks like. We get comfortable and critical and distracted and hung up on programs and money (or lack thereof) and we just practically shut the door on the Holy Spirit. And if we are desperate and life is hard we let our Sunday class know, we let the Facebook world know, but do we run and fall at Jesus' feet and cry out to him and let HIM know? Do we love him and worship him not caring what other's think just because of who He is?

 

After this past Sunday, I was convicted how comfortable I have been in church.  How somehow it had become about everything else BUT Jesus?  This little church below was filled with the poor and broken, with the rich and comfortable but JESUS WAS SO THERE.  I can see why you couldn't hardly find a seat.  I don't know what woods these people came from but they were there to meet Jesus.  And even though the building lacked space - ministries were happening.  At the end of the service they announced different Bible studies going on in different homes every night of the week. I am not kidding - every night. And the food pantry was open AFTER the service. The preacher flat out told people they needed to get saved.  I want to go back.  I want to experience that again.

 

And even though this is not where God has called us for our permanent place of worship, I pray that Jesus will change me. I want to desire him, to fall at his feet, to fight through the crowd to touch the hem of his garment when I am broken and needy. In church. Take me as I am Lord.

                                     

 

I was changed when I got into that car.  Our family felt encouraged and hopeful that Jesus is still alive and well in the church. We went home refreshed.  Elisabeth didn't miss a beat. She knew she would have been just fine wearing that life jacket to church. The minute we got home the life jacket went back on - over her dress.  And she walked around with it all day like that. (Notice the tutu part sticking out the back like the fin of a fish.)

 

                                       

And actually, she wore that life jacket around for the rest of the week.  Whatever floats your boat kid.  Stay safe from the waves on that golf cart why don't ya.

                                      

 

And if you are out of church, find one. Who cares what people think. Make a bee-line for Jesus.  And if you going to church today - welcome and love on the broken, the desperate. Give them a hug and big toothy smile.   Jesus is there with arms open wide.  Let's worship Him!

 

                                                                 Come Just As You Are

Hear the Spirit call

Come just as you are

Come and see

Come receive

Come and live forever

Life everlasting

strength for today

Taste the living water

And never thirst again

 

~ lyrics by Crystal Lewis

What I Do Know...

Well. It happened. AGAIN.  The contract has fallen through on the house. I'll leave out all the crazy dramatic details but it was a HUGE disappointment and setback. We got the call yesterday afternoon while I was still at school. We had just spent the week scrambling around trying to find a place to temporarily live and packing stuff up. We had no reason at all to believe this would not go through.

So after a major meltdown on my part - complete with crying, shaking, curling up in the fetal position under my desk (lol! just kidding) - I pulled myself together and tried to think through this rationally. First I have to give a HUGE SHOUT OUT to my husband who was so reassuring, so comforting, so freakin' calm. He just kept telling me "It's gonna be okay. God's still in control." And I'm just being all girlish and dramatic saying "I can't do this anymore...I am done...I can't go on..."  How he lives with me I do not know.  BUT - this HAS been an emotionally trying week considering this is the last week at the church and all and I can't bear in my heart even the thought of saying goodbye. And now I am just trying to understand what God is doing in all this because I totally don't get it.

But, after peeling myself off the ceiling and God just doing what he does best and calming my heart, here is what I DO KNOW:

God is still good.

God is still faithful.

This did not take Him by surprise.

He knows what he is doing with this whole mess even if we don't.

He is trustworthy.

He loves us.

He is orchestrating everything for HIS purpose.

And it seriously is okay.

 

So why am I completely flipping out over this house thing?  Yes, we would naturally be down and discouraged as we move in three months and ideally we want this house SOLD. I am emotionally strung out over all the events that have taken place over the last 2 months.  But I am so reminded that in the big scheme of things this is JUST a house:

 

 

We did not just find out our loved one has cancer.

We did not just have a child die.

We did not just have to give up our life for the gospel's sake.

We are surrounded by family that loves and supports us.

We have an exciting new ministry awaiting us in a few short months.

We have so much to be thankful for.

 

 

Stuff is just stuff. Life is disappointing. Life is not fair. It's like that if you are a Christian or not.  But the awesome thing is those of us who believe in Jesus have hope. We can rest and trust and believe that He is still in control. And it's a darn good thing he doesn't break his contract with us. Or walk away from the deal. Because then we would lose a lot more than a sale.

 

 

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will in Christ Jesus"

1 Thessalonians 5:18

 

"And we know that all things work together for good for them that love God and are called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28

 

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Job 1:21

 



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Only God....

WE SOLD OUR HOUSE!!!! I think I am still shaking! Y'all. We have had our house off and on the market for 3 YEARS... Three long years of de-cluttering, cleaning like a mad woman every time we had a showing, thinking we sold it and then having the sale fall through - twice. I could talk forever about the long, depressing drama about trying to sell our house.

The last time we took it off the market we knew we wanted to let Jonathan graduate from Mansfield High School. So we didn't worry about it for awhile. Then it was time to put it up again. I remember Chris pounding the FSBO sign in the yard and we stopped and prayed for the family that one day would inhabit this house. We prayed that we would sell it THIS time.  Nothing happened. Then a sweet Christian lady who was a new realtor that actually lived in Mansfield asked several times if she could list it.  We decided to go with her since she seemed to know everyone around here and was showing our friend's house left and right. 

At this point, the Lord was really impressing on our hearts it was time to leave the church.  That after years of struggling with the decision it was time. He was releasing us. Then the Arkansas Baptist Children's Home job literally came all together in a couple week period.  The only missing piece of this puzzle was that we HAD to sell this house.  Our new realtor was trying to be very honest with us and let us know what a tough market it was in Mansfield.  We know that.  I teach in our local school and our decline in students show that no one is moving in.

About a month ago, we were getting very desperate before the Lord.  Our kids were having a hard time with the uncertainty of what was going to happen with  our future, Chris and I were hurting. It was a Saturday night that I started my desperate praying to the Lord. For my husband, for my children, for our church,  for my house to sell.  And the most impossible hurdle to me was the house to sell.

This next little bit is going to sound crazy - but those that really know me, know it's not crazy - but something that probably had to happen in my life.  As I was praying that Saturday night - God told me to fast from Diet Coke (or any soda) until our house sold.  Everybody knows I am highly addicted to Diet Coke. I had not gone without one even for a day in at least 15 years. If you don't believe me, look at what is my cover photo on Facebook. Haha!  I am embarrassed to say I have never fasted before but I know fasting requires you to give up something and when you get the urge for it etc...then you use that time spent in prayer. I wrestled with God about it until 1:00 am. Then I finally gave it up.  I said, "Lord, this seems so small and petty, sacrificing my diet coke. But if it is what you want me to do, I will do it. I am trusting you with this craziness. Please help me not to completely flip out on everyone as I am going through withdrawals. I am trusting you to sell our house. Amen."  And from that moment I did not have another drop.  And it was HARD.  I had horrible head aches. I prayed like 50 times a day. I got depressed and I didn't want to eat because I had nothing good to drink with it.  Who wants pizza and water? I know most will laugh at me and think it's stupid but it was so real. Weeks started to pass. No movement on the house.  The desire for Diet Coke did not lessen. I told Chris even this past Saturday that I don't think that God is going to let my desire for Diet Coke go away because he wants to keep it as my continual sacrifice to him.  I am not saying this to draw any attention to myself. I am stupid. If something has this big of stronghold over my life I obviously need to get rid of it anyway. I know that. But  I want it to be a complete testimony to the awesomeness of God and what happens when you follow his voice - even if it is with weak faith like I had. Chris would wake me up before he would leave on the bus and we would pray for the house to sell. Our family and friends were praying for us. My Bible Study Fellowship small group was praying our house would sell. This house thing was completely bathed in prayer. And we were still doubting and discouraged and starting to formulate "Plan B" which was renting it.

Here is where the story gets crazy.  We resign the church last Sunday. Just one week ago. We know it is what God wants us to do. The same morning this young couple wins $200,000.00 from a scratch ticket at our little Mansfield gas station. It was huge news in our little town. Fast forward to one week later. Which is yesterday. Right after the morning service we get an excited call from our realtor saying the couple that won the money from the scratch ticket wants to look at our house - TODAY! It had started to snow, then sleet. We kept checking our phone thinking the showing would get canceled. We are cleaning like crazy.  To wrap this miracle up - they looked at the house, made and offer within an hour and we signed the contract that night. In the sleet, snow and all. It all came down in one short afternoon.  I broke out in hives.  We were shaking. We were jumping up and down and makin' all kinds of happy noises. We then prayed a prayer of praise and thanksgiving.  The circumstances around it are just so crazy to us.  And exactly 4 weeks TO THE DAY that I started my fast someone won the lottery and we sold our house.  My faith was so weak.  I prayed so many times and asked God to help my unbelief.  He is so good.  We just give all glory and praise to him. And it was just that final confirmation that even in all this difficulty and sadness of leaving the church, it was exactly what we were supposed to do and God is taking care of us.  Wow.

The few people that knew about this fast asked me if I went out and got a Diet Coke. Answer to that?!?! BUT OF COURSE!!! I told y'all the desire didn't go away! Haha!! My secret sister from church got me a pack of Diet Cokes and M&M's for Valentine's Day and  I kept it front and center of my pantry just waiting to drink it. And let me tell you, I enjoyed it thoroughly today.  :)    We totally give HIM all the GLORY!!!! Thankyou Jesus! YOU TOTALLY DID THIS!!!!

"Jesus looked at them and said, With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Matthew 19:26

Kids and Cowboy Boots

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." ~ Isaiah 55:8,9

 

Those were the words my husband spoke last Sunday morning at the beginning of his resignation from our church. That was the moment when I didn't realize you could simultaneously have a huge knot in your stomach, tears falling silently from your eyes, yet your heart flooded with peace. We knew that it was time. God has released us,  God was telling us it was now time to move on. I don't know how you say goodbye to people that have become your family. 

 

When we came here almost 12 years ago, we told the team we were looking for a church and a community that we could invest in. That we could raise our children in. And before the weekend was over we knew this was our new home.  Now I can say this is the longest I have ever lived in a town. Ever. In my life. This is the longest I have ever lived in a house, attended a church....you get the idea. My kids have grown up here. I will have two that graduate from here. Anyway, I wanted to say all that so people would understand this is not your typical fly-by-the-seat-of-the-night youth pastor leaving. We have laughed with, we have cried with, and we have LOVED the people- not only in our church, but the community. So if you are wondering what the big Facebook love-fest that has been going on for the last few days is about, now ya' know. (Which we have read and appreciated every single word written and feel the same way.)

 

With all the highly charged emotional fall-out in our family that has come with us leaving, we have not had much time to think about, plan for, or be excited about what God is going to do in this next phase of our life. Today, God has "traded my sorrow...for the joy of the Lord." And I can say the same for my husband. The many sleepless nights we have had wrestling with this decision, the hours spent praying, the tears before the decision was even made, have been replaced with a peace that passes all understanding. With a hope of a new life. And it is time to look forward.

 

Today we actually enjoyed talking about our NEW home and ministry which God has seemed to literally drop in our lap! We will begin working June 1st for the Arkansas Baptist Children's Homes at their ranch in Harrison, Arkansas. They have 4 beautiful homes that houses 32 boys ages 6-18 on an incredible 500 acre ranch. We will be house parents to 8 boys.  This is a ministry of the Southern Baptist Convention so we will attend with the boys the First Baptist Church of Harrison. We have visited the church are looking so forward to still ministering in a volunteer capacity. The boys on the ranch attends all the services, and participate in all the youth group activities. Elisabeth will get to be a part of Awanas.  They even go to Siloam Springs church camp - Woohoo!!!!  (Chris is never getting out of camp!  lol)  We are blessed that Jacob has such a great attitude and is really excited about going. He hung out with the boys and got to play basketball with them. One set of house parents actually have a son the same age as Jacob!  Elisabeth felt right at home running all over the place...She will be the only girl (besides house moms) on that campus!!! We felt a connection with the other staff - and 2 sets of house parents are around our age. They have mission trips planned for the boys, we have daily devotions with them before they head off to the public school. That is one thing that impressed me the most with the ABC Homes - Salvation is their main focus for the child. And intense discipleship follows.  We have been group home parents before, way back in the day - when Sarah was Elisabeth's age. Then we were therapeutic foster parents for six years and Chris was a case manager for the Salvation Army. Then we went into full time youth ministry. This is like everything we have ever done combined into one job! So we have a good idea of what we are getting in to.  A lot of people have asked if I will be teaching.  I will also be employed with ABC Homes so I will be taking a few years off of teaching and get the privilege of just being a mom again (with a few more kids added). We know this kind of work makes a huge difference.  We still keep in touch (thank you Facebook for reuniting us all) with our Boys Town girls, our foster kids, old youth group kids - no one replaces the other. We love them all. The kids in our youth group now we have been with since some of them were in preschool. How do you leave them?!?!  Gosh, I can't imagine not being around them but I know that God has graciously and lovingly told us it's time to move on and will be giving us new boys to love and pour our lives into. We embrace this new part of our life with joy and anticipation of  what God is going to do through our family.  Not that we don't have some more tears still to come in the following weeks as our time at First Baptist Church, Mansfield comes quickly to a close. (Lump is back in my throat- ughh!)

 

But we smile as we think about our totally new life "on the ranch..." And I am so getting totally cute cowboy boots for my birthday in a few weeks. I took some pictures with my phone a few weeks ago when we were there on a visit.  I honestly fell in love with it and if it is this beautiful in the ugly dead of winter I can't imagine how gorgeous it will be in the spring! YeeeeeeHawwwwww!!!!!!

 

"But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 3:13,14